Letters to Baobao
I know it’s just a saying, but it annoys me when people use the phrase “Trouble in paradise?” because “paradise” is not a realistic or accurate description of the relationship slog. And perhaps it is these types of sayings that reflect the lofty expectations we as a society hold for marriage and partnerships.
As much as I want to romanticize the notion of relationships and marriage, the honest unsurprising truth is that they’re not all about everything coming up roses. It’s been covered a thousand times over by hundreds of qualified and unqualified authors, and even warrants its own genre in bookstores. I can see the appeal. You get married, there’s inevitable conflict, and for some, you want to turn somewhere for guidance. For others, it’s just comforting to know you’re not alone and there are others in the trenches also struggling. So having been married for (a short) eighteen months, I’ve read my fair share of articles, some of which have been very good*, and they all more or less say the same thing. I’ll save you the time and tell you what they all try to say in three bullets:
- Marriage/love isn’t about making you happy, it’s about making your spouse happy
- Your spouse/partner is, in essence, your best friend
- “[Marriage] is work, but it’s the best kind of work, and there’s no one I’d rather work with” courtesy of Ben Affleck, our new Batman
But despite having these nuggets of generic wisdom, the other uncelebrated truth is that you’re going to have to internalize and work it all out by yourself. I’ve fallen into the trap of complacency because I think everyone else seems to have issues and then conclude that it’s a universal truth couples fight. But all it is is lazy and unfair to myself and my wife. All that reading was just a good start, but now the real work begins.
Relationships and marriage are not for the faint of heart, but for those persistent enough, I believe that paradise might not seem so far off. (Wish me) Good luck.
* Here are a couple of the better articles on love and marriage. If not for their insight, then for their simplicity in describing the complicated emotion.
My big revelation after marriage is how self-centered I am (second only to the fact that my wife always seems to be right). It wasn’t earth-shattering, but it was big. I never thought I was self-centered. In fact, I thought I was a living saint and great company. But that probably has more to do with the fact that I have been very good at befriending and dating nice people who don’t like confronting others, so I could always do whatever I wanted and no one would ever make the point that my actions or decisions were selfish.
But then I got married to my wife, who, like the honey badger, don’t give a shit about my occasional fifteen-year-old-ways and calls me out on these things. It is never easy hearing something like that, especially from your partner in crime, and futile protests aside, what it really means is that I should be taking a pause while my world gets turned on its head. Here are the results of my pause:
If you were to ask me how I remember 2007, I thought I’d be able to paint a picture of the world that anyone else would also recognize. Not so self-centered, right? So I did just that and asked myself what are ten memories I associate with 2007. I looked up TIME magazine’s top ten news stories during that year as a point of reference.
I’m certain that if someone saw my list, they would focus on either the Virginia Tech shooting or the Spurs sweeping the Cavs to determine the year. I tried really hard to come up with general news or current events from that year, but that was the best I could do. It’s as they say: #1 in your heart, #1 on the chart. What they also say is the wife’s always right.
And just for fun:
TIME’s Person of the Year 2007: Vladmir Putin (how do you feel about that now, TIME??)
My Person of the Year 2007: my ex-girlfriend
I guess neither of us were big winners there.