Since 2010, I’ve been stuck playing this game called Heroes of Newerth (HoN*), and the subculture within the game has always been a constant threat for a brain aneurysm. Rather than pay for anger management classes, you could just play HoN, which will force you to put up with selfish, hyper-aggressive, stubborn players/trolls that this game attracts. These players are capable of saying incredibly mean things (I’m sure psychologists would have a field day with this generation of male gamers), but all this coming from anonymous gamers is more annoying than hurtful. If you’re my wife, you take the high road and carry on playing. But I’m not her, so I say mean things back enter into a vicious cycle of who can type shit faster (obviously, once you go caps lock, your font can’t get any bigger or bolder).
You might be asking why I continue to play this game, and the answer is it’s like digital cocaine. I like the idea of building up a killing machine that just gets harder, better, faster, stronger. And the reward system results in me getting more gold to buy even better items, stuff that doesn’t even exist in real life! I know I’ll get teammates like Toughlove (see below), whose dirty mouth is so outrageous and unreal that it’s like spotting a Bigfoot or Lochness Monster every time I play. And after 15-60 minutes, the game’s over, and it all stops. So what do I do? Go back for more, of course.
Signs that you’re on course for a promising game:
You convince some other sucker on your team to support you throughout the game. Every Michael Jordan needs a Scottie Pippen. And while you might not be the Michael Jordan of HoN, you definitely won’t be if you don’t have a Scottie.
You kill the two enemy heroes within the first five minutes.
When teammates start taking each others’ kills or the team starts losing, something like this transpires:
ToughLove: you’re going to get reported if you don’t play
Teammate: that’s what I’m saying, if you don’t wanna concede then we’ll keep playing.
ToughLove: we’re going to keep playing whether you fucking want to or not
Teammate: i don’t give a fuck, i’m going to keep playing
ToughLove: good then don’t say concede it then f*ggot, shut your mouth. fucking worthless piece of shit
Teammate: i didn’t, you said if you’re not going to concede then keep playing so I said I’ll keep playing then
ToughLove: no you just said concede it concede it concede it that’s what you said right? it is what you said so shut the fuck up. it is what you said f*ggot. you’re a fucking idiot, shut the fuck up
*a moment of teamwork
ToughLove: God dude why are you fucking f*ggots playing this game dude, why do you play
Teammate: I’m glad we’re going to lose this
ToughLove: shut the fuck up f*ggot, why do you play
Teammate: You’re upset
ToughLove: if I see you in the street, i’m going to fucking kill you. give me your fucking address. give me your fucking address f*ggot.
ToughLove: post it. where’s it fucking at? bet me that I’ll show up
Teammate: fucking talk is cheap
ToughLove: fucking post your address you lil bitch
Teammate: why don’t you suck my dick
ToughLove: post your address post your address post your fucking address you bitch
*The game’s classified as a MOBA, and I intentionally used the acronym because it sounds better than “multiplayer online battle arena.” The basic structure of HoN pits two teams of five real players who each control a hero(ine) in an effort to win the game by trying to destroy the other team’s base. In the flow of the game, you kill enemy minions and heroes to get gold and experience, which lets you learn new skills and pimp out your character with items.