Sometimes life can be a little drab, a little pointless, and a little confusing. It’s okay to feel that way – some if not most of us do. I surely do, but your mom has developed an immunity to it. If you’re lucky, you’ll have gotten her gene for that. If not, then you and I can go find a hill in the park to sit on, and then we can stare at some green grass together brooding about life until your mother comes along to cheer us both up. She has a knack for finding the cracks and crevices in one’s craggy exterior when feeling blue and then slowly chips away at it with her hammer+chisel of love.
I don’t know whether there’s a reason for my latest bout of malaise. Your mother speculates it’s because I’ve finished my book project and need another long-term goal to work on. Maybe.
In any case, I came back from work today to find a letter on my desk – it was a letter I had written to your mother two years ago when we were still engaged and about to get married. I don’t remember the exact context, but I know we had been fighting and she felt alone through it all. In the aftermath of that fight, beaten and apologetic, I wrote her a letter because normal men are too proud to give a live apology (I eventually came around to it afterwards). And in this letter, I told her what I knew has become my purpose in marrying this woman who is your mother. She thought I could use a reminder. This is why I love her.
I’ve reproduced it here in case the English language gets replaced by numbers when you’re old enough to read:
Dearest baby bear,
It has been a while since I’ve written a letter to you! I wish the week leading up to my leaving for London went smoother. I apologize for all the sadness / frustration / annoyance I’ve caused you. It makes me sad in general to have put in your mind that you don’t’ feel like you can ask me for help. But I know that was my fault. You’re the nicest / kindest person I know, so much so that people take it for granted, including me. And I’m so sorry that I do.
This isn’t just a letter of apology. This is a letter of love and optimism. We embark on our journey in a few short weeks. It’s a journey I’ve been waiting for and looking forward to for a very long time. I don’t believe in fate per se, but I do believe in my emotions, and I have loved you for a very long time. It is a privilege to be able to love you and to be given the opportunity to love you everyday, and again, it is something I occasionally lose sight of. I have no doubts or reservations about our journey through life as a couple, star-crossed / tragic or not. Life is fun with you. Life is meaningful with you. Life makes more sense with you. I wouldn’t have it any other way in terms of whom I am with (I wish I was different in some aspects so we wouldn’t fight as often as we do).
Wherever we end up, however we get there, I made a promise to myself to try and make each day better than the last, to be better for myself, and in turn, bertter for you. Please pardon the bumps along the way. I love you and need to install a better suspension system so things feel smoother. You and me. Me and you. My wife. Still hasn’t hit me just yet. I need the ceremony and I can’t wait for you. I love you in all your guts and glory.