How I Traded Your Mom for a Keyboard

Dear Fauchon,

Here’s a history lesson: in the mid-2000’s, the iPhone took over everything – flip phones, my friends, and my Blackberry. I was a faithful Blackberry user because I have an affinity for keyboards and my work provided me a Blackberry for free, but it was hard to continually deny a touchscreen, a product whose logo is a half-eaten apple, and a sexy form factor, so I also eventually switched to an iPhone. And when that happened, a little part inside of me died.

I started using an iPhone around the same time when I started dating your mother, who was already an iPhone user at the time (maybe this was another case of couples becoming more like each other). Three years later, the Blackberry Classic came out. I started having second thoughts about the iPhone, and when I start thinking about things, it’s a foregone conclusion that I’ll do whatever I have in my head; I’ll seem like I’m not sure by hemming and hawing along the way, but I’ve recognized that it’s just part of the process. I have very little discipline.

When I got the phone, I was excited, nostalgic, and nervous all at once. I was getting my keyboard back, reliving my glory years when I used a keyboard phone, and going back to a phone company on life support. The first thing I did after powering it up was opening up a notepad so I could type something.

“Hello, how are you?”

“My name is Jonathan.”

“I like typing on this phone.”

“The red brown fox jumps over the log.” (I was trying for the traditional pangram “The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”)

Then I wanted to share with your mom how excited I was about the keyboard. It was at that point I realized I couldn’t send a free i-message to her from across the ocean. Or FaceTime her. Those options were all gone. When I gave up the iPhone, I didn’t just leave the Apple ecosystem, I effectively gave up all easy communication with your mom as well. It never occurred to me that the type of phone I used would have any impact on my communication with your mom. That’s just stuff you don’t think about when you’re single.

I thought about returning the phone for a refund – I’m still thinking about it – but so far, that’s the story of how I gave up your mom for a keyboard.

[Edit: I lasted five days before returning the Blackberry. Apple: 1, Blackberry: 0]