pet names

Dear Fauchon,

As with most (all?) relationships, my relationship with your mother has its highs and lows. As low as some of the low points get (e.g. any fight), there is equally a joy I would never achieve without her. I think this is a universal truth about human love – the deeper in love you are, the greater the heights/depths your emotions will reach. Your mother and I love each other like crazy, and thus hold great power over each other. And as Spiderman says, with great power also comes great responsibility, so we are both very much accountable for each other’s state of mind.

We discussed it,and we think Catson would look like this in a Smash Bros game.

Of late, I’ve had a hard time walking around the apartment without bursting out laughing, courtesy of your mother. And the reason is that your mother hasn’t been able to stop imitating my alter-ego, Catson (pronounced cat-son, like Watson), who pretends to walk around in a robe and flashes people while extending a leg out and bouncing it up and down. If it sounds ridiculous and embarrassing, it’s because it is, which is also why it is so funny.

The origin story of Catson also starts with your mother (surprise surprise). We were intoxicated one night and before she crawled into bed, I told her that she had to shower.

Too tired to do that, she said, “I’m going to just sleep at the foot of the bed like a dog. I wonder what my name should be. What’s my dog name? I think if I had a dog name, it would be Penny!” So for a while, she was known as Penny.

We’ve since established she has characteristics of a puppy (e.g., needs lots of love, likes to cuddle, needs attention) while I have characteristics of a cat (e.g., likes to be left alone, very clean, always looking like I’m up to some mischief). Eventually, I started calling her “Dawg” (e.g., Yo Dawg!) with a W because it’s funny-cool. When your mom countered by calling me “Cat” (e.g., Hey Cat!), I wouldn’t have anything of it. Plus it sounded like a girl’s name. Forced to masculinize the name, she came up with Catson.

Maybe the name itself is fine, but you want to know where Catson’s strange mannerisms come from. That part is not so clear, but we think it originates from one of my silly dances.

Your mother and I have now engaged each other on the topic of kid names (for fun) because we are so magnanimous and will consider something other than Fauchon. We want something that goes well with Penny and Catson – it’s gotta flow well when you say them all together. It’s not the usual way of choosing a kid’s name, but nothing I’ve written so far suggests you’ll have the usual type of parents.